Are you dangerously underweight? Trying to go on workplace disability? Well, fret no more as Eats Like A Duck takes you on a five part series covering all the do and do not do’s on your Window to Weight Gain! Parts one, three, four, five
Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Ah, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
– King-Size Homer (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 7)
As usual, Dr. Nick really comes through with the solid medical advice…at least when it comes to gaining a ridiculous amount of weight. As much as I wanted to try chewing bacon instead of gum, I knew this would be a bad idea for a few reasons. Speaking of things that probably aren’t good for your teeth: brushing them with milkshakes. Look, my doctor is already upset with me because of my supposedly “unhealthy” cholesterol – which is in no way related to my new “bacon chewing” habit, I swear! Anyway, I don’t need my dentist also yelling at me because I get a dozen cavities for brushing my teeth with milkshakes. Also, why don’t you just drink the damn milkshake and then brush your teeth? At least then your teeth are slightly less likely to be rotting and you still ingest about 400 extra calories right before bed.
But I did make the Pop Tart sandwich. According to my extensive research (going to the grocery store) Pop Tarts actually ARE worse for you than plain white bread, who would have thought? Rough nutrition breakdown for two slices of each:
Calories = 160
Fat = 3%
Sodium = 10%
Sugar = 3 grams
Calories = 400
Fat = 16%
Sodium = 14%
Sugar 34 grams
- Pop Tarts
- Turkey Cold Cuts
Use the Pop Tarts as a bread substitute and assemble your sandwich.
I wanted this to taste good, I really did. There’s plenty of examples of sweet items being used as sandwich bread, one of the most common I’ve seen are doughnuts. However, this just wasn’t working for me. I guess mustard and cheery Pop Tarts weren’t meant to mix? I mean, I still ate it but I only had one bite as an assembled sandwich. Everything else was eaten separately, so I still ate more than I should have for a simple lunchtime meal.
I followed my sandwich up with some assal horizontology and was feeling pretty good. Overall, a success. As Lisa would say, have another Pop Tart tubby:
I’m comfortable with who I am.
Cromulence: 4 Honk If You’re Horneys out of 10
Pop Tart Sandwich Recipe From: King-Size Homer (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 7)