Window to Weight Gain Part Two – The Pop Tart Sandwich

Are you dangerously underweight? Trying to go on workplace disability? Well, fret no more as Eats Like A Duck takes you on a five part series covering all the do and do not do’s on your Window to Weight Gain! Parts one, three, four, five

Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, Doctor?
Dr. Nick: Ah, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
– King-Size Homer (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 7)

Hollywood Upstairs Medical College Screenshot

As usual, Dr. Nick really comes through with the solid medical advice…at least when it comes to gaining a ridiculous amount of weight. As much as I wanted to try chewing bacon instead of gum, I knew this would be a bad idea for a few reasons. Speaking of things that probably aren’t good for your teeth: brushing them with milkshakes. Look, my doctor is already upset with me because of my supposedly “unhealthy” cholesterol – which is in no way related to my new “bacon chewing” habit, I swear! Anyway, I don’t need my dentist also yelling at me because I get a dozen cavities for brushing my teeth with milkshakes. Also, why don’t you just drink the damn milkshake and then brush your teeth? At least then your teeth are slightly less likely to be rotting and you still ingest about 400 extra calories right before bed.

But I did make the Pop Tart sandwich. According to my extensive research (going to the grocery store) Pop Tarts actually ARE worse for you than plain white bread, who would have thought? Rough nutrition breakdown for two slices of each:

White Bread
Calories = 160
Fat = 3%
Sodium = 10%
Sugar = 3 grams

Pop Tarts
Calories = 400
Fat = 16%
Sodium = 14%
Sugar 34 grams

Ingredients:

  • Pop Tarts
  • Turkey Cold Cuts
  • Lettuce
  • Tomato
  • Cheese
  • Mayonnaise
  • Mustard

Pop Tart Sandwich Ingredients

Directions:

Use the Pop Tarts as a bread substitute and assemble your sandwich.

Pop Tart Sandwich

I wanted this to taste good, I really did. There’s plenty of examples of sweet items being used as sandwich bread, one of the most common I’ve seen are doughnuts. However, this just wasn’t working for me. I guess mustard and cheery Pop Tarts weren’t meant to mix? I mean, I still ate it but I only had one bite as an assembled sandwich. Everything else was eaten separately, so I still ate more than I should have for a simple lunchtime meal.

I followed my sandwich up with some assal horizontology and was feeling pretty good. Overall, a success. As Lisa would say, have another Pop Tart tubby:

Another Pop Tart Screenshot

I’m comfortable with who I am.

Cromulence: 4 Honk If You’re Horneys out of 10

Pop Tart Sandwich Recipe From: King-Size Homer (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 7)

 

11 Comments
  1. Mayor Quimby: It is agreed: regular people can park in handicapped spaces if they’re just running in to buy smokes or some poptarts for tomorrow.

    Lenny: The system works

    1. I think the real problem was that all Pop Tarts are really, really sweet. Combine that with mayo, mustard and meat and it gets a little tricky. I’ve seen “breakfast pop tart sandwiches” that used egg and bacon, perhaps that’s something to try?

      1. I used to get these whole grain maple and brown sugar Pop Tarts that were unfrosted. I think maybe those could work on the right sandwich. Maybe ham? Maybe if you used a honey mustard instead of a mayo it would better taste wise? The cheese would still be tricky, though.

        1. Agreed, the frosting is for sure part of the problem with this one. So perhaps a maple and brown sugar Pop Tart with honey mustard, ham, no cheese, lettuce and tomato. I still think it would taste too sweet, but that does seem a lot more palatable.

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