Skinner’s Steamed Hams

Skinner: Well, Superintendent, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!
Chalmers: I thought you said we were having steamed clams?
Skinner: Oh no, I said steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?
Skinner: Yes. It’s a regional dialect.
Chalmers: Oh yeah? What region?
Skinner: Er, upstate New York.
Chalmers: Really. Well I’m from Utica and I’ve never heard the phrase steamed hams before.
Skinner: Oh no, not in Utica, it’s an Albany expression.
Chalmers: I see. You know these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Skinner: Haha, oh no, patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
Chalmers: For steamed hams?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: Yes and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact that are obviously grilled.
Skinner: Uh you know…One thing I should…excuse me for one second.
Chalmers: Of course.
– 22 Short Films About Springfield (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 21)

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This has been on my request list for awhile and has been requested by a few different people. As always, I aim for true authenticity so I didn’t actually make the steamed hams, I bought them – delightfully devilish Eats Like A Duck! According to Super Nintendo Chalmers, Krusty Burgers are grilled and include grill marks on them. Knowing that, it seemed like Burger King was the best bet for recreating this recipe.

Ingredients:

  • 3-4 Burger King Whoppers
  • Two packs of large Burger King fries

Directions:

Place burgers on a platter and garnish with fries. Calve stretches before meal prep are optional.

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I know, I know – there are FOUR burgers on Seymour’s platter and only three on mine. How many burgers do you people expect me to eat in a single sitting?! I already have enough stomach problems what with all the vodka and wheatgrass / mayonnaise / homemade Kahlua I’m consuming, I don’t need to be eating multiple burgers at a time too.

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That being said, I haven’t had a Whopper in years and this was actually quite tasty. I should also admit that I wasn’t fully committed to authenticity here and so I did not light my kitchen on fire. Although if I did, I’d like to think things would go a little something like this…

Skinner: Ah, well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I’m pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I should be…good lord! What is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Er, no.
Agnes: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Skinner: No, Mother, it’s just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow but I must say, you steam a good ham.
Agnes: Help! Help!
– 22 Short Films About Springfield (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 21)

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Cromulence: 8 Isometric Exercises out of 10

Skinner’s Steamed Hams Recipe From: 22 Short Films About Springfield (The Simpsons Season 7 – Episode 21)

5 Comments
      1. Steam-cooked hamburgers (as opposed to the canonical steamed hams which are obviously grilled) are actually a thing! Albeit only in one really specific place in Connecticut. Apparently they use special trays to make them. It sounds super gross but people seem to like them.

        1. I went and looked them up thanks to your comment! Sounds like the real draw is the cheese and plain steamed hamburgers don’t have much going for them.

          On another note a review article about them had 31 comments and nobody mentioned steamed hams at all. So disappointing.

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