Homer: Five-alarm chili, eh? One…two…Hey, what’s the big idea?
Ned Flanders: Oh, I admit it. It’s only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.
Todd Flanders: Daddy, are you going to jail?
Ned Flanders: We’ll see, son. We’ll see.
– El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer) (The Simpsons Season 8 – Episode 9)
I wasn’t sure how to quantify how many “alarms” a chili could have, that is until I found this boxed chili mix! The initial instructions for the chili are “Texas style”, calling for meat and tomato sauce, plus the spices that are included in the kit. However, the box also said to “make it your own” so I added beans and vegetables (which I like in chili) – it’s for the Springfield Chili Cook Off after all!
- 2 lbs Ground beef
- 1 can Tomato Sauce
- 1 can Diced Tomatoes
- 1 can Red Kidney Beans
- 1 Onion
- 1 Green Pepper
- 2 Alarm Chili Kit Spices: Cumin, Oregano, Onion Powder, Garlic Powder, Paprika, Chili, Masa
- Water (as needed)
Chop onion and green pepper and saute in a large pan until the onion is translucent. Next, brown the ground beef until cooked through. Add the diced tomatoes, kidney beans, and tomato sauce and combine. Add spices and stir, then add water as needed to keep the chili a consistency you like. Simmer for at least a half an hour.
Note: I forgot to take a picture of the chili. Suffice it to say it looked and tasted like chili. In fact, for something that came from a box this turned out pretty good! It was tasty and most definitely something I would classify as “2 Alarm”.
Speaking of chili alarm levels, there’s a quick joke in the Season 25 episode Pay Pal where Ned has downgraded to No Alarm Chili, stating that “the only thing you’ll taste is the spoon”:
This is another great example of Ned’s literal “Flanderization”. At one point in time he was making mildly spiced chili and pretending it was hotter to impress his sons. Now he’s making such bland chili that you can’t even taste it? I think it would be a disservice to chili as a food that I love to make something that tasteless; so no alarm chili is definitely at the bottom of my list of recipes to make.
Cromulence: 7 Talking Dogs out of 10
Ned’s “Five Alarm” Chili Recipe From: El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer) (The Simpsons Season 8 – Episode 9)