Sometimes there are food and drink products that exist in The Simpsons universe that I simply cannot buy or reproduce. Thus, I present to you: I Want It! An Eats Like A Duck feature where I yearn to breathe free…I mean yearn for products that don’t or can’t currently exist.
Lindsey Naegle: Kids want a snack that skateboards, won’t clean its room and hates homework.
Executive Guy: That’s why we created Scarf-ables by Scammer & Z-Dog!
Lindsey Naegle: These two spokes-rebels were invented by the marketing team that came up with Hip-Hopsicles, the urban popsicle.
Principal Skinner: Yes. I saw those when my normal grocery store was on strike.
Executive Guy: Well, here’s what really seals the deal.
Scammer & Z-Dog: Yo, yo, you. Slide your green into the machine and don’t expect any change, dog!
Executive Guy:It’s like a fundraising school bake sale with slang as the Saran Wrap!
Lindsey Naegle: And a subsonic neuro-jammer disrupts the child’s judgment center.
Principal Skinner: Fair enough. I assume these snacks are nutritious?
Lindsey Naegle: That’s really none of our business. The bottom line is, half the profits go to your school or camp.
Superintendent Chalmers: You heard the lady. Just sign the damn contract.
Principal Skinner: Yo
– The Heartbroke Kid (The Simpsons Season 16 – Episode 17)
For many school starts next week and with it comes all the joys of trying to fit in a delicious snack in between classes. Maybe it’s the subsonic neuro-jammer affecting my brain, but ever since I saw this Simpsons episode I’ve wanted to try Scarf-ables by Scammer & Z-Dog. These are the products that transformed Bart into a “big boned” young man and resulted in him having to Eat Healthy or was it Eat Heathy, I can’t remember. Scarf-ables by Scammer & Z-Dog offer the following product selection:
- Krishna Krisps
- Dalai Lamanade Soda
- Choco-Nards Chocolate Bar
- Chips-Hops Cookie
- Scarf-ables Chips
- Everylasting Copkillaz Candy
- Buggin Bits Candy
- L’il Scammers Candy
Now, I do realize that some of these products might contain hydrogenated petroleum oil, monosodium poisonate, and/or partially de-weaponized plutonium, but they still look so tasty! I mean, just look at Bart’s joyful expression as he eats his latest snack:
I Want It!
I Want It!
I Want It!
I Want It!: Scarf-ables by Scammer & Z-Dog From: The Heartbroke Kid (The Simpsons Season 16 – Episode 17)