Free Birthday Goods and Services

Bart: Right now, I’m off to hit 46 local merchants for free birthday goods and services.
– Radio Bart (The Simpsons Season 3 – Episode 13)

I recently celebrated my birthday – for the record I’m somewhere between the ages of 18 and 49. But age isn’t nearly as important as free birthday stuff! I had planned a whole day of hitting up local merchants for free birthday goods and services…except I had to go on a last minute business trip which kind of ruined my plans. The good news is that most free birthday items are usable anywhere from a week to a month in and around your birthday. But, before I get into my free birthday fun, I would be remiss if I didn’t first mention Bart’s.

1 Free Birthday Sundae:

Phineas Q. Betterfat's 5600 Flavors Ice Cream Parlor 1 Free Birthday Sundae Screenshot 1

Bart: I’m here for my free birthday sundae.
Phineas Q. Butterfat’s Employee: Eat it and get out.

Phineas Q. Betterfat's 5600 Flavors Ice Cream Parlor 1 Free Birthday Sundae Screenshot 2

Free Birthday Shave:

Jake's Unisex Hair Palace Free Birthday Shave Screenshot 1

Bart: Digital audiotape, my butt. When I was a kid, we had compact discs and I don’t recall no one complaining.
Jake the Barber: Damn right.

Jake's Unisex Hair Palace Free Birthday Shave Screenshot 2

Free Tango Lesson:

Free Tango Lesson Screenshot 1

Bart: Sorry, Rosarita. I got to get to my birthday party.
Rosarita: Farewell, Senor Bart.

Free Tango Lesson Screenshot 2

Um, that last screenshot makes me a little uncomfortable…anyway, let’s move on. Here’s a list of my free birthday adventure, with employees ranked from Rosarita to Phineas Q. Butterfat’s level of niceness.

A&W Free Root Beer Float
Time Limit: Any day of birthday month
The barcode on the coupon wouldn’t scan, but the nice lady working at A&W gave me my free birthday root beer float anyway. I didn’t have to buy anything with the float, but I got a Papa Burger because they are delicious.

A&W Free Root Beer Float

Dairy Queen BOGO Blizzards
Time Limit: One week from your birthday
The DQ employee noted that I got to Dairy Queen on the day the coupon expired, but otherwise gave me my Blizzards without a fuss.

Dairy Queen BOGO Blizzards

Marble Slab Creamery BOGO Ice Cream
Time Limit: Two weeks from your birthday
The guy working at Marble Slab seemed less concerned with my coupon and more distressed that he was working there at all. I suspect he might just be one of those people not suited to customer service. He didn’t say “eat it and get out” which I was kind of secretly hoping would happen.

Marble Slab Creamery BOGO Ice Cream

Extreme Pita BOGO Pitas
Time Limit: Two weeks from your birthday
Not only did the Extreme Pita lady do the math to make sure I was still within the two week period of getting a free pita, she was also the only person who asked to see my ID to prove my actual birthday.

Extreme Pita BOGO Pitas

Next year I will hopefully be able to gorge myself on numerous free foodstuffs for the amusement of all. Got a suggestion on where I can get free stuff for my birthday? Let me know! I’m the birthday, I’m the birthday, I’m the birthday boy or girl!

Wall E. Weasel's Screenshot

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