Dr. Nick: With my diet, you can eat all you want, any time you want.
Marge: And you’ll lose weight?
Dr. Nick: Err… you might! It’s a free country!
– Insane Clown Poppy (The Simpsons Season 12 – Episode 3)
If you’re like 97% of the population you are trying to start 2016 by going on a diet. And if you think that my population percentage seems a little high, I should tell you that I can come up with statistics to prove anything, Forfty Percent of all people know that. So, you’re going on a diet. Before you do something rational like consult a doctor or read a book, you should probably check in with your favorite nutrition website for all your dieting needs.
Lunch: Still hungry? If you are, your ability to eat the most disgusting foods is both impressive and weird. You probably won’t actually want to eat anything for lunch but if you do I would suggest something light like Salad with Mustard and Ketchup.
Snacks: If you’re somehow feeling hungry mid-afternoon, nothing helps suppress an appetite like Bubble Crum. The horrifying texture of gum and cracker will have you wishing you had not tried to eat anything at all.
Dinner: For dinner you should aim to eat something light while also not breaking your budget. I mean, with the amount of Vaseline you’re putting on toast something’s got to give in the food budget. Marge’s Delicious Boiled Celery is the perfect combination of cheap and low calorie while also being easy to digest. After a day of eating (and potentially throwing up) whole cloves and bubble gum, you’re going to need something that’s gentle on your stomach.
That’s it! Just follow the Eats Like A Duck diet plan and you will become skinnier in no time. Any type of malnutrition that results from this diet is completely YOUR fault and in no way a consequence of what you have read on this site. The Blue-Haired Lawyer says so!