A Flavorless Mush Called Rootmarm

Jebediah: People, our search is over! On this site we shall build a new town where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.
Shelbyville: Yes, and marry our cousins.
Jebediah: I was, what are you talking about Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?
Shelbyville: Because they’re so attractive. I, I thought that was the whole point of this journey.
Jebediah: Absolutely not!
Shelbyville: I tell you, I won’t live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins.
Jebediah: Well then, we’ll form our own town. Who will come and live a life devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call rootmarm?
– Lemon of Troy (The Simpsons Season 6 – Episode 24)

A Flavourless Mush Called Rootmarm Screenshot

Well, I’ve already done Turnip Juice so it was only a matter of time before I tackled Rootmarm. While Jebediah Springfield doesn’t specify the ingredients in his recipe, he does make sure to note that it is flavorless. So I didn’t add any spices to the mix, not even salt. You can probably guess where this is going, on to the recipe!


  • 1 Turnip
  • 1 Parsnip
  • 1 Beet

A Flavourless Mush Called Rootmarm Ingredients


Peel the parsnip. Roughly chop all the vegetables and boil until soft. Drain and mash.

A Flavourless Mush Called Rootmarm

The rootmarm actually didn’t taste terrible. The key is to eat this while it’s still hot because then it’s not so mushy tasting. Eaten cold it tastes like baby food, which it basically is.

The real question is: would I prefer to live a life of chastity, abstinence, and Rootmarm or marry my attractive cousin? While I DO have several attractive cousins, I just can’t think of them in a marrying type of way so I guess it’s a life of Rootmarm for me!

Cromulence: 3 Roman Numerals out of 10

Rootmarm Recipe From: Lemon of Troy (The Simpsons Season 6 – Episode 24)

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